10 Terrible Love Lessons I Learned from Bioware
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d write a post about Bioware (the number one life ruiner in the universe – that’s a compliment, btw). One of the best things about Bioware games IMHO is the character development and more importantly, relationship development as you “romance” characters in the games. So, thanks, Bioware, for being the best Valentine a girl could ask for!
Rule #10. Give people gifts to make them love you.
Oh, hey Alistair, did you like that Onyx Demon Statue I got for you? Can we bang yet? No? How about if I give you this Stone Dragon Statuette? How about now? Well, what if I also give you this White Runestone?
Rule #9. If you’re nice to someone, you’re obligated to love them forever and ever, exclusively.
So you’re exploring the Normandy, trying to get to know your crew members … you’re trying to be nice to everyone, choosing all the paragon dialogue options. All of a sudden, Kaidan starts to hit on you! So you awkwardly shrug it off, still choosing the paragon dialogue option because hey, no need to hurt anyone’s feelings. Before you realize what’s happening, you’re locked into a romance that you can’t get out of with Kaidan (who has incidentally misread all your niceness as “I want to marry you”), even when that cute blue alien comes aboard and you decide you want to pursue (read: bang) her!
Rule #8. You can turn someone gay or straight.
You know that straight friend you have that you think is super hot? But you know, they’re super straight? Well, if you spend enough time with them, you’ll turn them super gay. And then you guys can bang. The end.
Rule #7. Agree with everything your love interest says, or else they won’t love you anymore.
Yes, I totally agree with your irrational hatred toward mages. I fully support your urges to kill every single one of them – man, woman, and child. Feel free to rip their hearts out through their chest and stomp on their still beating organs. Please love me.
Rule #6. Cross-species sex is A-OK.
What are you, Garrus? A dinosaur? Some sort of sexy velociraptor slash bird lizard hybrid? I don’t even know. But somehow after playing Mass Effect, my sexual orientation changed to “alien.” Thanks, Bioware.
Rule #5. Sleeping with co-workers is a great idea.
So, in real life, I try to abide by the “don’t shit where you eat” policy … but hell, when your fictional crewmates are this hot, military discipline and fraternization policy be damned!
Rule #4. Virginity is adorable.
Look at this little adorkable shit. Don’t you think he’s the cutest thing ever? And the fact that you’re going to take his virginity is so romantic right? But in real life, the idea of hooking up with a virgin is about as appealing as a rug burn (Sorry, dudes, I’m a woman in my late 20’s! Can’t be messing with amateurs!).
Rule #3. Mass murder is a forgivable character flaw.
Really, Anders? Blowing up the chantry? Mass murder of innocent human beings? But you’re cute, so I’ll keep you around to bang. Totally ok.
Rule #2. Avoidance is a perfectly healthy coping mechanism.
Remember that time you started romancing Alistair? Then you thought Zevran was super hot, so you started romancing him, too? Then you met Leliana and thought, yeah, I could switch teams for this chick? So you started romancing all three of them? Then you talked to one of them a little too much and they forced you into a super awkward confrontation where you had to choose between them? And then you reloaded the game at the last savepoint and avoided talking to any of those little shits so you could continue romancing all of them at once like the greedy love bastard that you are? Yeah, that happened.
Rule #1. Everyone wants you. Everyone.
If there’s anything you learn about love in Bioware games, it’s that you can be the most hideous looking Shepard/Hawke and everyone will still fall in love with you and act like you’re the most beautiful creature that ever graced the galaxy. Actually, on second thought, maybe this lesson in love isn’t so terrible :)
So, how has Bioware ruined relationships for you for life? Let me know in comments!
I absolutely LOVED the birds & bees talk from Mordin before getting it on with Garrus.
Somewhere in my head, I feel like Mordin said licking Thane causes hallucinations but I don’t think that’s canon, it might just be my imagination …
Nope, that’s canon.
The last one… LMAO!
You are a hopeless romantic ma’am… XD XD XD
Do you know the MBTI personality classification stuff?
http://www.deviantart.com/art/Harry-Potter-MBTI-417224540
I would say you are an “Albus Dumbledore”… XD
Here you can take the test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
BTW recognizing and determining human beauty is an incredibly complex computing problem. Even if it is fairly coherent within humans what we find beautiful and what we deem ugly… I do not think that we will see that kind of determination and judgment appearing in games in the next years but it is an interesting topic… I imagine creating your “Perfect Shepard” and seeing Alenko dropping dead laughing when you first meet each other because you do not exactly meet his expectations about beauty… :P
Hahaha thanks for the Albus compliment, but I’m actually DRACO MALFOY! Is your mind blown? :P The idea of a video game character being able to find you attractive or unattractive is quite fascinating – I personally think it would add a really interesting dimension to the game, but I also think that it could never be possible simply because of the negative backlash from people who would find it offensive that the game character would have sexual attractions to certain physical traits … even though that is realistic. I hope someone does it someday though, it would give games so much more dimension!
An INTJ? XD Now you are just shittin me… :P
My favorite version of all MBTI charts is coming from another very talented and creative blogger girl (just for you to know that you are not the only one :P):
http://www.geekinheels.com/2013/10/23/star-wars-mbti-chart.html
So you are a Palpatine then? XD I am a Qui-Gon Jinn… :P Too bad, that we are never to meet, then… :P I will be long gone by the time you meet your well-deserved fate… :P
Sorry for deviating from the topic BTW. :) This is a very good writing of yours… :P And I am jealous as always as I could not write half this good even in my native language… :)
And I hope one day your X-Box 42874 in ME:7433 will really recognize your beauty… XD XD XD Until that day you just have to survive with us, regular fleshy-bony fans out here… :P
Dammit, there can be only one cool blogger! :D Hahaha, jk, this is cool … I dunno if I like being Palpatine though, geez! I was on the cusp of being ENTJ with my responses so maybe I’ll just say I’m Leia :) Thanks for the compliments, I’m just happy that regular fleshy-bony fans like you take the time to read my blog posts and to comment as well! Seriously, it’s the highlight of my day checking on my blog and seeing what people have to say :D
i agree with that state ment haveing standards in a game would be epic and frustrateing as all hell at the same exact time but i’d love it cause it would give a whole new level of emersion to the game imagine in skyrim even you go to wue the person you want to marry but they aren’t attracted to elves? or your not their type omg it would be so hilarious and sometimes people may say nay at first but after talking to them and what not it becomes a yey like you said for hte super straight turned super gay anyhtign is possible but for npcs to have actual attractions would be epic XD i’d love it especially if alenko fell over laughing at how ugly your character was XD
Lol! Thank you so much for this. To be fair, in #7 you can also DISAGREE with everything he says and still sleep with him. Just don’t take the middle ground! Extremes are important! ;)
Oh god, I started laughing while reading this article! This is written brilliantly and humorously, and it’s true :’D
Damn comments engine does not want me to reply to Your last msg… :P
Last one from me on the topic, I promise… :)
So you are not the only cool blogger, huhh? XD I think you need to run around with a katana, strong two-hand grip, chopping some cute girl heads off shouting “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!”… (I would really love to hear it in your version using your voice BTW… I imagine you as 5ft 2in tall cutie with a thin frame, that would be fun… XD XD XD).
Regarding the MBTI stuff: you are definitely N and J – that is so coming down from your writings and other creations… :P I cannot judge the E vs. I part without personally knowing you but I think you have faaaar too big of a mouth to be a strong I… :P So IMHO Leia fits you more than Palpatine… :P Please have the haircut done ASAP! XD XD XD
Keep the posts coming!!!! XD
This is the funniest thing I have read all day. You ma’m are good and I salute you! :D
Nothing on Tali, and the “sex is OK even if the probability of getting a STD is close to 99%” thing ? Damn :/
OMG I totally never even thought of that ahahahahahha
I just stumbled upon this, but isn’t it possible – if not canon – that Kaidan is bi? Even if you romance him as a man he has no problem mentioning that he is attracted to women (the Asari race in particular).
He (and Ashley too) was originally intended to be available to either gender before it got cut in the first game. My guess is they just decided “Kaiden is bi and Ashley is straight” by the third game.
I’m sure it wasn’t your intention, but I am so sick of the “turned him gay” jokes (and sometimes insults) and it just kinda drained my mood when I read that one….
Otherwise – this is all very funny. :)
Particularly “Mass murder is a forgivable character flaw.” – He likes kitties and he’s cute – so it’s okay in my book… :D [thumbs up]
Anything is possible :) I don’t mean to offend you with my observation, I just thought it was really abrupt that Kaidan showed zero interest and it never came up in the first 2 games. They should have made him attracted to MShep from the beginning like everyone else in the game was! After all, the only true sexuality in ME is “Shepardsexual” :D
I know – you didn’t offend me – it just brought up bad memories.
I wish he was available from the start – I liked him – he just seemed like the kind of guy you could settle down with. :D I know a lot of people think of Kaidan as boring, but I always found him sweet – and kinda normal. I liked that…
Regardless some bisexual people are just like that. I like to imagine Kaidan is just more attracted to women over-all so he didn’t think much of his attraction to MShep. Or perhaps heteronorm assumptions aren’t completely gone from human society in ME so he just assumed that Shepard was straight. The near death experience made him realize he needed to take a chance (particularly after he thinks MShep might have been flirting with him).
Or (most-likely) both. Either way I think it just proves that everyone is Shepardsexual in the end.
(Although I will point out the obvious reason 1 and 2 don’t have MALE gay options is simply because the didn’t wanna offended heterosexual men)
OMG I totally hear you on the no gay options in the first two games – I think it speaks volumes that some people find homosexuality/bisexuality more unacceptable/unbelievable than SEX WITH BLUE ALIENS. I mean seriously! But I commend Bioware on finally making the move to include non-hetero relationships in the third game and I wish more game studios would follow suit.
lmao at #8 like how ignorant can you be
have you ever heard of bisexuality??? it’s a thing and it exists
after meeting tali, human women just stopped giving me boners, oopsie daisy.